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Tuesday, 5 February 2013

Okay, Rule Number One:  Never invite Ron Jeremy into your home.

He will ply you with sweet talk.  He will sway you with romantic gestures.  But know this, dear reader, once Ron Jeremy gains entrance to your domicile, pancakes are an inevitability.  Pancakeologists call this The Jeremy Law.  It's as unbreakable as the Laws of Thermodynamics.

If you can keep Ron Jeremy at bay, you are well on your way to Total Pancake Abstinence.  Let's have a look at what other measures and precautions are at your disposal.

Rule #2: Never enter a conventional box trailer parked at an abandoned truck stop

Granted, sometimes your business may necessitate this occurrence; so, if your job requires it, be mindful of your attire.  If possible, wear clothing that covers your extremities such as a pants suit or coveralls.

Again, we understand that it's not always possible to avoid entering trailers parked in abandoned truck stops.  However, it should be understood that your risk of Pancakes goes up exponentially once you cross the trailer threshold.

Rule #3: If a strange man is staring at you through your bedroom window, he probably wants pancakes.

As tempting as it might be to invite him in, it is probably in your best interest to lock your doors.  Don't make the mistake as this young lady and elect to ignore him.  Unlike a child who is encouraged to more unwanted behavior by attention, this situation is not best served by ignoring the stranger.

A popular argument is to ignore him in the hopes that he will simply masturbate and be on his merry way. Mayhaps this will occur on occasion; but it is probably not prudent to assume. Do you bring an umbrella to work on a cloudy day? If so, you know it is better to be safe than sorry.

Let's take an example to illustrate this very complicated point.  Jane and Judy are Political Science majors at California State University in San Bernardino.  Jane is studying for her African Studies midterm, while Judy reads the latest issue of The Economist on her bed.

Suddenly, a young man appears at their window violently masturbating.  He stares at Judy without blinking and is sweating profusely.  Jane says, "Look, Judy.  You have a secret admirer.  Let him in!"

Did Jane make the right call to avoid Pancakes? Explain your answer.

Rule #4: When frequenting your local watering hole, don't routinely drink so much you vomit and black out.

To best avoid Pancakes, one should make every attempt to not drink to the point of (1) involuntary defecation or (2) requiring medical attention.  And it should be noted that this rule does not apply exclusively to drinking establishments as we'll see in this next scenario.

Sharon has been enjoying polite conversation with Mark and Aayushmaan.  They have been discussing the Sacramento Kings' five game losing skid, and Sharon has been so engrossed that she lost track of how much she's been drinking.

Sharon suddenly realizes she's become hog whimpering, rat-arsed drunk. She also notices that they're not drinking bourbon, but rather Russian aftershave.  What should she do?

Sharon elects to give Mark an open mouthed kiss in the hope that the prideful Aayushmaan will become incensed with jealousy and challenge Mark to a duel.  While the two men fight for the honor of her loins, Sharon will escape into the patio.

Is this the most sensible approach to Pancake Prevention? We'll answer that in our next session.  Class dismissed.


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