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Wednesday, 12 December 2012

I know this is going to sound harsh to those of you who revere comic books from yesteryear.... but, crap on a cracker, some of these superheroes were beyond awful.  I mean, who sat down to think of the newest superhero and came up with "Bouncing Boy"?  (see above)  And I'm so glad the Legion of Super Heroes have placards..... I would have never guessed Lightning Lad's super power was lightning.  And I'm glad they clarified Sun Boy's power as "Super Radiance" - that really clears that up for me.

And if you don't have the stomach for sentences that begin with conjunctions or snarky comments, you may want to move on to a different post.  This one isn't for you.

In December 1962 in Action Comics 303, DC released into a world already crowded with lame superheroes, a young fellow named Matter Eater Lad.  Yep. That's his name.  Matter Eater Lad.

I mean this guy is about as amazing as Anson Williams.  How does this happen? Who can we blame for this?

And I hate to get graphic on you folks, but what happens once this stuff is digested? Does Matter Eater Lad shit metallic briquettes? What does this do to the septic system at the Legion?  Most toilets can't handle 3 ply toilet paper - Matter Eater Lad's rusted mess would be unmanageable.

Turns out, Matter Eater Lad is from a planet called Bismoll.... as in Pepto-Bismol the antidiarrheal medication.  Is this some kind of joke?

This story revolves around there being a spy or mole within the Legion.  Naturally, all fingers point to their newest member..... who quickly finds his escape by ridiculously gnawing through the headquarter gates.  This would seem to imply that Matter Eater Lad has super speed as well - how else can you explain him chewing faster than Brainiac and Cosmic Boy can run?  I'm so confused.

Damn you to hell, Matter Eater Lad! You've sullied the reputation of the Legion.... and you've made Lightning Lad cry.  Go back to Bismoll where you belong, you effing douche bag! Screw Matter Eater Lad!

Oh, wait a minute.  Turns out, it wasn't Matter Eater Lad after all.  They were bugged - but not by tiny microphones.  They were bugged by a tiny man inserted into Sun Boy's ankle!  Of course! We should have known!.......Wait.... WHAT IN THE EVER LOVIN' FUCK?!?!?

This is insanity.  First a superhero with super chewing skills, now this? Words can't describe how awful this is. If you are a glutton for punishment and you'd like to read this story in its entirety you can download it here. And if you've ever read a dumber storyline or know of a worse superhero, I'd love to hear it.



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