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Tuesday, 26 June 2012

Well, folks, it had to happen.  It was only a matter of time before my stack of 1980s teen magazines found its way to Retrospace.  Mind you, these are not my childhood magazines - I swear on Charles Nelson Reilly's grave, I never the stuff.  Back in '85, I was more into Hit Parader and Circus.... but that's neither here nor there.  The fact of the matter is, I've got a huge stack of these rags, and they are fun as hell to read. So, let's dig in!

Peter Reckell, "Days of Our Lives"
The odds of finding a soap actor in a teen magazine past 1990 is pretty slim.  Teens don't watch them anymore, and they haven't for a long time (as evidenced by the near extinction of the soap opera).  Back in the day, it wasn't uncommon for girls to rush home from school to catch the latest soap wedding, or to see the girls lockers plastered with soap stars.

Jack Wagner, "The Anointed One"
Damn, shorts sure were.... er, short back then. If you'll recall Wagner had a big hit with "All I Need" - not a bad song, really.  If you dig "Don't Give Up on Us, Baby" by David Soul or any of the Air Supply catalog, this is the song for you.

An Important Message from Retrospace Headquarters:  It has come to my attention that Retrospace Headquarters has issued a prime directive to all readers. Print this picture, frame it, and put it in a prominent position in your office.  Meditate in front of it daily and pray that it may bestow upon you some of Wagner's mojo. In this way, you shall become sanctified in coolness.

What exactly was Andrew Ridgeley's role in the band?  I mean, at least Garfunkle could sing Oates could play guitar.

And an even bigger question: How is it possible that their homosexuality was even up for debate? I guess, in the eighties girls chose to ignore that many of their heart throbs were playing for the other team.

Yes, this picture is actually taken from this magazine (page 29 to be exact).  I don't imagine this image was hanging in too many girls' lockers.  I presume these odd looking creatures are men (?)

I remember seeing Ridgeley and Michael prancing around in the "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" video in their short shorts and thinking these guys were definitely gay.  It was definitely a different kind of gay presentation than the Village People, but still every bit as gay.  

I certainly have no problem with it, but it's interesting to note that not many people twenty plus years ago had a problem with it either.  Sure, it wasn't implicitly stated, but it couldn't be more obvious.

Relationship advice from Joe from The Facts of Life! Actually, her answers are not too bad.  Lucky they didn't get Blair (Lisa Welchel) to answer these questions - I hear she is pretty flaky.  Didn't she recommend Tobasco sauce on your kids' tongues for punishment?

Who the hell is Roman Holiday?
I actually laughed out loud when I saw this page.  (Okay, I didn't actually make an audible laugh, but I had a sly grin.)  How hilarious is it to see these teen pop acts (Madonna, Lauper and Roman Holiday) next to Euro-metal act, Accept? If you aren't familiar - think 'Scorpions'. You may also recall "Balls to the Wall".

Interesting to note that some of these macho metal bands were every bit as gay as Wham.  Accept's lead singer was homosexual (as was Halford from Judas Priest).

This is one hell of a motley mix of eighties celebs, is it not? You've got the young Drew Barrymore between cocaine fixes hanging with Laura Branigan's brother and (gulp!) Phoebe Cates.  Also note that Eddie Van Halen looks scarily like Valerie Bertinelli.

I hope Charlie Sheen was a good influence on young Chad Lowe - I'm sure he kept him on the straight and narrow.

"I was banging seven-gram rocks, because that’s how I roll. I have one speed, I have one gear: Go."
- Charlie Sheen

Take note of the future "Robot Chicken" mastermind. He also voices Chris Griffin (Family Guy), was on Buffy and played Scott Evil in the Austin Powers films.

My understanding is that Jill Miller (bottom, between Jason Bateman and Michael J. Fox) became a successful New York lawyer.

Oh, to be Peter Reckell in '85.

Notice "Robert Downing" before the fame, the subsequent drug infused fall, and the following rise to even bigger fame.  "He'll go far, for sure!"

Limited Warranty: If you're not completely satisfied with our music, simply return the album with a self-addressed stamped envelope and get your money back.

Problem was, no one bought the record in the first place.



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